The Cost of Courageousness

Not so long ago now, a friend and colleague of mine joyfully confided in me that she had nominated me for a fitness organisation's inspiration award and that management were very excited about my story. It looked like it was in the bag.

After a few weeks of unusually distant behavior of this friend of mine, yesterday I decided it was time to get to the bottom of what was going on.

It so turns out that management of the organisation running the award had located the youtube video of me winning the pole dancing competition in 2009, in which I remove my bra. They were mortified and chastised my colleague for having nominated me without having done sufficient research into my character. They deemed me inappropriate and insisted upon having no association with me whatsoever.

At first I was devastated. I shouldn't be. Technically I'm not even supposed to know I was nominated... I am just so shocked and disappointed that such harsh character judgements are still routinely made.

What this organisation doesn't realise is that the pole dancing competition taught me what it was to WIN. That hard work, dedication, focus and bravery actually work. That my goals are achievable and my methods of succeeding sound. I am a one-armed woman who performed and competed in a sport that is associated with showing a lot of leg and sometimes bit of boob too. It's an aesthetic discipline - much like ballet or gymnastics. Pole dancing empowered me. It allowed me to embrace my femininity and this specific competition gave me the forum in which I could express that, despite my disability, I was not only a talented dancer, but a sensual creature. The experience was the single greatest confidence builder of my life to that point.

I refuse to succumb to the inference that it is something of which I should feel ashamed. I'm not too fond of the fact that my performance is pasted over the internet on umpteen different amputee fetish sites, because I myself find this to be unsavoury - but I don't judge these people even if they make me feel uneasy. When I feel uneasy, I can explore why and achieve personal growth (or at least learn something) OR I can distance myself from it. If you have a problem with pole dancing, don't do it and don't watch it. Don't seek it out. Vilifying those who do, on the other hand, is simply closed minded and entirely unnecessary.

I'm angry. I always knew that my bravest choices came at a price, but I hoped that as this is the year 2011, people would have started thinking more progressively. That respect for the choices of other adults, as our equals on this Earth, would equate to an understanding of their right to those choices, even if we don't agree with them.

The person I am today exists because of the breadth and depth of my life experience.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Rolling with the Punches

This week's theme appears to be: expect the unexpected.

After a rampant string of cancellations Monday, I received a call asking that I cover a 5:15pm spin class. It so turned out that I had the time available to do exactly that! It was SO MUCH FUN. So I ended my Monday floating above cloud 9 and looking forward to my Tuesday, which was to involve an outdoor session, some riding with Mick, yoga with my sis Bec and catchups with Missy before I retreated to do my admin in the evening time...

As I waited for Mick to arrive in Musgrave Ave Centennial Park, I called my mum to make plans for the weekend and discussed with her at length what a beautiful day it was, especially the incredible colour of the sky. Like the Cote D'Azur. Then it was riding time. I couldn't wait! I decided to try a few new things today. Firstly, the disconnect system for my prosthesis and secondly, some changes to the route. We turned off onto one of the intersecting paths in the park and everything seemed to be going well... Until I had a bit of steering fail and bumped Mick's rear wheel, which knocked me off and nearly took him out as well. All OK though. My head hurt a bit from where my helmet connected with the road and there was some skin off my right ankle, but 5 mins later and I was back in action.

What sweet action it was! I was chatting happily and had a sudden burst of energy, a moment where something clicked and everything felt right. I started pedaling fast, working on riding confidently at higher speeds. For a few minutes, it felt amazing. Then my left foot came away from the pedal. I'm still in sneakers, not cleats. Being a N00b, I panicked and squeezed the brake too hard. I flipped over the handle bars and took a massive tumble... and then the bike landed on me. I was winded. I could neither breathe nor move for what seemed like eternity. A crowd gathered. I came to my senses and realised I was in the middle of the road, so I tried to move, muttering about not wanting to hold up traffic. I was helped to the side of the road, jelly like. I tried to sit on the post/bench, but I was dizzy, floppy, faint and my ears were ringing. I slipped down into the soft, cool leaf litter and lay there for a while. Eventually I was well enough to laugh, then sit, and then to walk the bikes back to the car with Mick. The people who helped were lovely and caring, a little bewildered by my laughter. "How could I be unhappy on a gorgeous day like this?" I had a feed at the suv, cancelled all my plans and instead went to soak in the ocean with Katie. I'd never been to the Coogee pool before. Not the worst place to be on a day like this...

I've been checked over by the doctor and my list of injuries is minor. From the most spectacular crash yet I have the following ailments (preserved here for posterity):

• Left breast wounded by Prosthesis
• Pulled muscles in front of neck and left soleus
• 2 grazed and very swollen knees, the left with a big fat egg.
• A crushed, bruised and blood blistered pinky with a gash on the finger next to that (the quick has been torn out).

I'm now pretty tired and grumpy, feeling very unproductive and BLOBBY. I'm unhappy that tomorrow has to be an unplanned rest day, I need to get all the inflammation down in time to teach cycle on Thursday and Friday. I want these classes to be HARD! I also want my fingers to stop throbbing.

Anyway, it has been a big week. The new issue of Take 5 comes out tomorrow and my moment of cheesilicious fame comes to an end. I've now taught 2 spin classes (and need to make a new setlist EEK). I've secured sponsorship for physio and massage with Elevate Performance, had further talks about my role as Ambassador with TAD NSW - who will be giving me my very own run around bike in the next few weeks, so I can give Jayme's back. I also presented my talk, The Story of Debzillah the Rubber Bum, to a lovely group of employees from a Sydney based law firm. It was well received - and recorded, hurrah! The biggest win for me, though, was the two 10km bike rides I completed with Mick and Llinos - both without incident. Despite the stacks, I'm making great progress as a rider and I'm aiming to be able to ride to the amputee morning tea at POW Hospital on March 31st. I've got to get a handle on this road riding business.

I'm totally aware that my feelings of frustration and perceptions of stagnant energy are completely irrational. If they would kindly go away, I'd be most appreciative.