The Snowball Effect

I'm 9 days away from participating in the paralympic talent search day and I need to turn my head space around.

Calamity has snowballed over the past 2 weeks: I have dropped and smashed my PDA twice in ten days ($120, $150) and last night locked my keys in my apartment ($120). These things don't really impact me in any meaningful way, but I think energetically I may have drawn them to me by my mounting dread and negativity.

Yesterday was the worst day I have experienced in recent memory. I have been training exceptionally hard and had an extremely tough and rewarding hill session on Wednesday morning. It was physically draining and my legs have suffered. I have also been limiting my carb intake. My first practice run of the beep test yesterday afternoon really reflected these two factors and my result was terrible. My legs just wouldn't serve me, though the lungs were OK. My attitude was terrible going into the test and I let myself down from the very beginning. Worse than the result itself was my emotional reaction to it. I was a tearful mess for the hours following. Its a good sign that I'm carb depleted, over-trained, but most of all, I'm completely overwhelmed.

As a child, I was kicked off the school netball team. I was always the last girl picked for any sports team. My self esteem in the sporting arena was abysmal and my performance reflected my sentiments. In 9 days time, when I step onto that field, I don't want those memories to come with me. I don't want those feelings to hinder me. This fear of failure I'm currently battling is at risk of paralyzing me. I want to send it packing. I want to summon the internal power, the strength and will to make all that negativity turn on its heels and flee. I want this entry to be the turning point to setting me on track to positivity.

The people I will meet at next Sunday's talent search will likely have had very similar childhood experiences to me. They have all faced adversity. Their bio-mechanics are all going to be challenging them in different ways, just as mine challenge me. This is my opportunity to compete on a level playing field. It's also my opportunity to shine. What I would love to be able to do is go in there and beam. I have this light inside me. This power to  inspire people just through my radiant love of being alive. I want to generate that energy and to produce enough of it to motivate ALL of us next weekend. I want the experience to be a positive one for every athlete on the field, but especially so for every single person I come into contact with. I want us all to be enriched and feel like winners on the day and for the outcome to be secondary to the experience.

Please send me your love, thoughts, well wishes and positive energy to help me make it so. <3